(22/30) Meditate for 30 consecutive minutes
I first got serious about meditation just about seven years ago, amidst one of my toughest-yet bouts of OCD and its accompanying depression. My home base for therapy, the OCD Center of Los Angeles includes a heavy dose of mindfulness in their cognitive-behavioral therapy, so “meditation” became a regular routine as part of my weekly therapeutic homework. At the time, meditation meant jumping in to a basic guided meditation with Andy from Headspace, working on paying attention to different physical cues while disengaging from thoughts, emotions, and urges.
In many ways, my meditation practice looks the same as it did then. Though there have been several months-long stretches where I have forgotten to meditate altogether, I had tried to stay consistent, knowing that mindfulness is one of the biggest keys to staving off OCD relapses. Lately, however, I have wanted to dive deeper into my practice, so a few things have changed:
I’ve begun immersing myself in philosophy about mindfulness more often, from more sources— most regularly, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Wherever You Go, There You Are, books by Pema Chödrön, and the 10% Happier podcast with Dan Harris
Using the “Daily” meditations from Headspace, rather than the beginner course, which are accompanied by mini-lessons from Andy
When I’m feeling up for a challenge, doing a “Pro” meditation, which is essentially the same Headspace session, only with much, much more silence
Still, one thing I hadn’t yet tried was a meditation session that lasted longer than 10 minutes. In Wherever You Go, There You Are, Kabat-Zinn writes about the question of how long to meditate. His answer is basically: “longer than you want to,” which inspired me to set this goal for myself. If I’m used to sitting for 10 minutes, what would happen if I tripled that duration? Would I get bored and want to stop? Would I push through some magical barrier and achieve instant enlightenment? Would I fall asleep?
Today, I found out. Just around noon, I found myself on the verge of, well, not an anxious breakdown, but a general sense of anxiety and ickiness that I wasn’t too keen to sit through. Part of the blame probably rests on the two coffees I’d already downed, something I never do before noon, and the rest of the blame goes to my general sense of aimlessness about the afternoon. When Jonah goes to sleep for his nap, I have infinite possibilities and zero guidance re: what to do. Rather than mindlessly continuing to watch YouTube or sit for a haphazard piano practice session, I decided that today would be perfect for attempting the 30 minute meditation.
I began by searching the Headspace app, only to discover that none of their sessions last longer than 20 minutes. I pivoted to plan B: set a 30 minute timer, sit, breathe, and hope it doesn’t devolve into an upright-seated nap.
After setting the timer and closing my eyes, I took myself through the usual routine: feel the weight of gravity, notice the contact points, hear the sounds in the room, attempt a body scan1, then return to the breath again and again until the end of the session. Unsurprisingly, my mind wandered. And wandered. And wandered again. A few years ago this may have discouraged me, but after learning more about what mindfulness is (especially from Jon Hershfield, one of my favorite sources for OCD and mindfulness info), this is exactly the point of meditation: notice when the mind wanders, and gently bring it back to the breath. As Hershfield would emphasize: the more the mind wanders, the more chances you have to practice mindfulness. Each return to the breath is mindfulness. And in a 30-minute session, boy did I ever have a lot of chances to return to my breathing. Here are some of the things I remember my mind wandering toward as I meditated:
My plans for later today
Lesson planning for school
Writing this post
Wondering how much time I had left
My golf swing (and what’s wrong with it)
How I’m running out of time to finish this list
When the timer eventually sounded, I could have sworn I still had at least five minutes left to go. I didn’t achieve nirvana, but neither did I fall asleep, and I have to consider that a win for today.
13 days to go… wish me luck.
-K.
7 years in, I still have no idea what I’m doing here. It always feels wrong.